Contemplative Lawyers: Some Mindful Resources- Thank you, Stephanie at idealawg!

http://westallen.typepad.com/idealawg/2008/09/contemplative-lawyers-some-mindfulness-resources.html

The Frog and the Scorpion: That's My Character?

Leap of Faith Required for Change... Think, Plan, Prepare & GO!

Internet for Peace- Love This! Thank you, Craig Zeliger

Kindness Towards Kitten Knows No Bounds... A Model for Compassionate Engagement

Tantrums Are Amazing: No Matter What the AGE!

Whew! Times... They Are a 'Changin'... Empty Nesting Prep 101-A

Fascinating phase of life... Our youngest (her daughterness) asked me a few weeks ago: "Mom, what are you going to do without me?" (Half of parenting is deciding when it is ok to laugh and when it ISN'T!) I reflected "Well, that is hard to imagine... I will have a lot of trouble knowing when the light turns green, which way to turn, how to set the table and pour the milk and ..." 

I love the fact that she sees the world from her 17 year old perspective! She is incredibly sweet and thoughtful, while she retains the fervor and teenager central focus- that piece which is so absolutely necessary for successfully launching... We'll see... So far, so good... In the meantime, we are repainting our little soon-to-be-empty nest and I really am thinking that I may well need help in order to know when the light turns green... and so it goes... :-)

How Do We Instill Hope?

When will we figure out a way to prepare our children for the skill set they will need to deal with the predictable conflictual issues which are inherent in dealing with their schoolmates, their future partner and their future children? The major problem lies in the fact that they are caught unaware, unprepared and therefore, incredibly vulnerable. The real tragedy is that if we could prepare them with a few simple realizations, they would be well on their way to preparing themselves and learning skills as simply as fastening our seatbelts, flossing our teeth and checking our blind spots... (Sigh) Spread the idea...

Massachusetts Indicts 9 for Contributing to Phoebe Prince's Suicide

Looking at Sweet Faces Raises Mood and Decreases Blood Pressure

What a lovely way to start the Monday morning... Enjoy this cute face, make a wish, say a prayer, write down a Gratitude List, smile at ten people, wave at everyone at traffic lights, leave messages for people you appreciate, think about funny YouTube videos, kiss your spouse and any children who will allow it, sing a song, bop to the music in the car... These are all tools to lift your mood, boost the amount of seratonin and dopamine flowing through your bloodstream, lower your blood pressure, raise your galvanic skin response (now, THAT'S a great piece of news!) and contribute to your overall good health. 

E Secure Video

My Happy New Year Wishes

Best Wishes to all, for a healthy and blessed new year. In the honor of the new decade (does it start with 2010 or 2011?) I have attached this photo as a symbol of my image of "hurling oneself into the fray." Fray negotiation is not for the faint of heart... Rather than avoid it, we must GREET it, RISE to the occasion, EMBRACE the difficult conversation... while avoiding any and all temptation to escalate, retaliate or lose our focus on our greatest value... that of moving the discussion forward and maintain the connection...

Atlantis: Rise Above, Be Bold and Abhor Bad Acts

I was having a conversation with one of my teenagers this week, we came across the light topic of "So, Is Man Basically Good or Bad?" Her argument was "They are bad."

I protested, she politely listened and then made the following speech: "No... we are basically bad and we have to be taught to be good. Then, it takes effort and energy and care to behave well.... Think about it. It is easier to blow someone off than to strive to reach them... It is easier to be rude than to be considerate... It is easier to eat with our hands than use a fork... It is easier to wipe our mouth with the back of our hand than to use our napkin..." I am deeply moved by these last several arguments... Maybe this child is seeing something which I have ceased to appreciate... Then she absolutely floored me by saying "I see how you are polite, you are kind, you insist on teaching us manners, grammar and taking the high road... I see you are disappointed when you see other people act like that... They just don't know any better... See? So, do I win the argument now?"... Wow...

Finding the Life Balance (AKA "I CAN"T DO THAT!") YES, YOU CAN!

The whole idea about balance is based on the idea that you must always be in motion.  You must be present, in the moment, in your body, attuned to yourself and the person in front of you. Sometimes, you may have some other things on your mind (or on the front of your head!) which some people call "intrusive thoughts." You know, the ones that sound like this "I can't do this right now! I have to get to the office/grocery store/feed the dogs/take a run/decorate for Halloween..." Right? I can hear the chatter in my head. Can you? Listen to it, take a breath (in through your nose, out through your mouth- smell the cookies, blow out the candles...) Then, tense up your shoulders and hold it... higher... and release them suddenly... feel that warmth? The relaxation allows you to take another breath; deeper this time... and exhale... Repeat as necessary. Select a thought. Some people call this a "mantra." One of my favorites is "I love and accept you just the way you are for today." Another is "I will trust that the universe is unfolding just as it should and I will improve every encounter I experience today." If you have trouble finding one, look up "affirmations" and choose one that speaks to you... Practice this every day until it becomes a part of your daily self care routine. Affirm the good and pass it on... "Validate the positive and embrace the challenges and changes ahead of me today. We call these  adventures..."

Family Therapy: Breaking Through the "Hostage Situation"

" I Feel Like We, the Parents, Are Hostages to our Children!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-ySzmn1FOE takes you to a link for the Video Clip on Structural Family Therapy, developed by Dr. Salvador Minuchin. The focus is on understanding the family's structure, the distinction between the subsystems (parents in the "luxury boxes" vs. children in the "cheap seats") the distribution and problems associated with power within the family "system" and the "joining" of the therapist to the family, in order to understand the family functioning and to address these characteristics: rigidity, overprotectiveness, lack of conflict resolution skills and enmeshment. It is important to pay particular attention to the interpersonal conflicts and alliances... Caveat: Family therapy is much like cleaning out the proverbial front hall closet- the one with the old skates and tennis racquets and the parts of the vacuum cleaner that look like 14th century weaponry... It looks worse before it gets better... The "overindulged" sector will resist the empowerment of the "parental sector" with varying degrees of force. The longer the disharmony has been in play, the more resistant the force. The therapist must use timing, humor, empathy and curiosity to start the illustrious change of events... Please check my playlist on you tube for other demonstrations of what this family therapy looks like... it really is not a mystery... just fasten your seat belts for the first 8-10 meetings...

Sibling Rivalry Is Not Just for Kids!

Sibling Conflict: When Not To "Let Them Work It Out"

I saw it again, today... I think I see it almost every day or two... I was in the nursery (plants) and there were two little girls bickering and a STTM (stressed to the max) parent. As I looked around, all of the dozen or so adults looked tense as the girls escalated the behavior. Finally, the parent snapped... "Of COURSE, you are going to start crying now, right?" They probably had no idea how much all of us empathized with their plight- how to deal with little girls fussing without feeling like a inadequate parent. Not true! We're all in this, together, and we need all of the support we can possibly get!!

Thoughts for next time? Intervene early, tell both children that whatever the item or activity may be, it is now on a time out, due to their behavior. Deliver all of this in a mild, yet firm tone. When they protest (which will be in unison) empathize with their disappointment and resist the urge to tell them why or yack about fault... "I hear that you all are disappointed. We will try this again in an hour or so..."

And, then... Glide on....

Summer Breeeezeee

They say that there exists such a thing as "Winds of Change..." If it isn't true, it sure should be... Around our neck of the woods, there is one child gearing up to launch, another comes closer and still steady on his track, their dad is the best balanced of the two of us, and my focus is changing in my work as I become increasingly troubled by how we model conflict resolution.

A wise (and smartie pants!) colleague asked me the other day: "Why don't you practice law?"

I responded "I do... I serve my role in mediation (and sometimes arbitration or evaluation or parent coordination) with custody, family mediation, elder mediation... I love the law and revere it... I just have a very hard time with the way it is practiced."

So, I just wait and watch as the idea of the interdisciplinary approach to helping heal ourselves ... thus modeling this for our "clients" continues to grow... I know this sounds odd, but my background is rooted as a hard science person.

Over the last 33 years, I have been exposed, jumbled and TAUGHT by the TRUE masters... my patients and my clients and all of the client families ... and my colleagues and my husband and my children ... and my own process of aging and (hopefully!) maturing... Every encounter humbles me and reminds me of the fragility and sanctity of life... even my recent encounter with Jeremy, the "Challenged AT&T Guy"... Thank God for Dale, the "REAL AT&T GUY!" Don't you love changing your office phones? EEK! It's all about the little things, every time!

Conflict Avoidance, Conflict Education, Conflict Resolution

Just did an excellent Advanced Mediation training by Steven Rosenberg, Esq.  up in Mill Valley. Great presentation for two days, wonderful to meet some of my fellow minded peers, from all over the place... Good times...

Sibling Rivalry Is Not Just for Kids!

Now, some people think that sibling rivalry is just for little children... We are supposed to grow out of it, say some others. But, if the rivalry is not managed properly, it will grow and worsen over time. Please don't believe the myths that "Kids will be kids," "That's normal," or "Just stay out of it and let them work it out." While these general comments may be correct... the parents must assess the situation carefully and know when and how to intervene... Ever read the Old Testament? Lot's of unresolved sibling rivalry, there! I guess it's been around before we had mental health "experts," huh....