Where Is My KNIGHT!!!

I have a knight in my office. He is 7 feet tall and quite  imposing. People ask me various questions about him: "Why is he there?" "Is that new?" "What does that mean?" "Is he real?"...

He is a  (Jungian) archtype... of our fantasies and fears, our need for heroes and magical wonders, our search for the mythical mate and the glorious warrior... In any case, he is a marvelous mirror upon which we can project any and all of the above... 

Safety for Our Daughters/Our Sons and Ourselves

How can we name these dangers for our girls? How shall we convey a spirit of optimism while we teach our children the skill set with which they can ascertain dangers? Some of the best resources yet discovered are Gavin DeBecker's site and book, "Protecting the Gift: How to Keep Children and Teens Safe and Parents Sane."

Mr. DeBecker narrates the second book, himself, so if you can find it on CD, it is definitely the way to go. His voice is dispassionate, but his tone is quite serious while he makes the point that if we are afraid all of the time, we become less safe. He focuses on the strengths of the "wild brain," and says that we are too overly compliant with strangers' requests. That avoidance of being reluctant to not "give someone the benefit of the doubt" can be very dangerous. This is mandatory reading/listening for parents around here...

Conflict Avoidance, Conflict Education, Conflict Resolution

Yeah, I know... "Do we HAVE to talk about it?!" "I hate conflict." "It's really okay; I'm over it!" So, here is the deal: Americans avoid conflict... and then, there is hockey... go figure...

In any case, what we often fail to acknowledge is that conflict is inherent in all relationships. It's part of the package. We are often so busy avoiding it that we never learn the "skill set" we need in order to negotiate conflict effectively, authentically and without damaging the relationship. Yes, I said "without damaging the relationship." Actually, these skills are not difficult, while coping with our own anxieties can be daunting. The alternative, however, is quite discouraging. Relationships are dynamic, always in flux, like the cells under a microscope. Once the dynamics slow or stop to vibrate, the relationship sustains damage and begins to fail, just like those organisms. If we hold our feelings and needs back, we drain the relationship of its energy; its zest! 

However, the  result/side effect is that we toss our anger, hurts, frustrations and fears into the proverbial "emotional hall closet," analogous to that place where we throw the old tennis racquets and gift boxes. 

Eventually, it requires an increasing amount of energy to hold that door shut! Over time, that door begins to bulge and toxic waste begins to leak out from underneath. Given the proper amount of pressure, that door blows off, causing us to "lose it" or "blow up." In turn, that force results in blasting the door, shattering our relationship(s) and reinforcing our falsely held belief that all conflict is dangerous. However, as we learned in Statistics, "correlation is not causation." Next post, we'll discuss how to proceed... AKA "Conflict Education." Deep breath... inhale (smell the cookies) and exhale (blow out the cookies)... Take another...

What If My Teenager Asks Me If They Should Have Sex?

Well... Fewer issues bring greater panic into a parent's eyes than that of their child's (gulp) budding sexuality- and their developing relationships, which might include a sexual aspect... "He's IM'ing with 2 college girls and he is only in 11th grade!!!" I sometimes will ask  parents (in families where there is an oldest child entering 6th grade) "So, how much have you all discussed about sex with your children?" This usually elicits a litany of descriptions (largely pejorative) about what they were told by their own parents... "Don't... wait until you're married... I'll get my shotgun...," et cetera.) Needless to say, this is a daunting task.

Here are a few of my little suggestions:

1. Start young, short time periods and use analogies and metaphors: "Yes, look at those cute baby monkeys... I'll bet their parents got married and decided to have them in that very tree!"

2. Talk in the car (AKA "A Captive Audience is the Best Audience") starting out with something like this: "Hey, have you guys ever heard of....?" "Have any of your friends started talking about dating/ girlfriends/ boyfriends/ kissing/ making out/ hooking up?" "What do they say?" "What do you think about that?" Try to keep your tone light and fluffy and casual, as if you were the weather person on the news... eternally light and breeeeezzyyyy.... fake it..... Yes, you can!

3. Repeat #1 and #2 frequently.... make yourself almost background noise.. cheery and casual.

4. Mention "I have heard that some of the people your age are thinking about ___. Have you heard anything like this from your classmates? ... Friends?... Sometime along, you will hear about some of these things and I don't want you to worry about talking with us about it- no names required- we  are only interested in keeping all of you all safe and well informed."

5. "Can we talk about safe sex? Have you heard anyone ever talk about safe sex? How about oral sex? Some people your age think that you cannot endanger your health if they engage in oral sex... What is your opinion? Can you help me to understand how people your age describe this?/understand this? If you were giving advice to (choose a beloved younger child) what would you suggest to them? How should we explain these things to them?

Get the picture? 

If you have fainted or had a seizure, please seek immediate medical assessment... At the same time, when you return, please reread, take a deep breath, look for your opportunity and SEIZE THAT MOMENT!

Good luck! Please remember that you are doing an amazing job, 'way outside your comfort zone. Remember the goal: no dead children. We are all in this, together.

Helping Ourselves Let Go a Little at a Time

It used to be so easy to parent children... Ha! I am not serious...

The parents in the 50's relied on Dr. Spock and things were pretty simple, after that... Now, I see so many different parenting ideas out there, it confuses me!

Lately, quite a few parents have asked me about "letting go" of their child. I am not sure what they mean. I happen to think that this happens in stages, all along the trail, whether we recognize all of the tiny "letting go" changes we make, along the way. Our children  are changing and so are we... Think back: how to hold them up next to that coffee table, when to let them crawl around that corner... and when they come back to peek at us, they are so delighted... and so are we... 

That's just the start of it... they get busier, we get more tired.. They are so cute when they sleep!

I often recommend a wonderful book by Gavin deBecker, named "Protecting the Gift: How to Keep Children and Teens Safe and Parents Sane." It is an amazing parent-empowering book. Mr. deBecker speaks from authority and years of experience and presents very simple, practical tools which we can use and teach our children to use, as well. After that, Alfred Adler is the "father of child development," so other authors I recommend include Ginott, Faber and Mazlish, Dinkmeyer and McKay, Leach, and Erma Bombeck. Some ask me why I recommend Erma and I tell them that she had a lot of wise and funny things to say... and we need to keep our sense of humor, be gentle with ourselves and encourage one another all along the way...

Help Your Teen Let Go of Their Entitlement

Have you ever tried to challenge a teenager's burgeoning sense of entitlement? Or that same sense of entitlement in a toddler, for that matter? In either case, it is a daunting proposition...

It is developmentally appropriate for toddlers to have a sense of omnipotence, as they begin their mini march towards individuation. While teens are engaged in the "second round" of individuation, it is not inevitable that they will embrace that entitled experience.

Just a few suggestions: Please refrain from telling children how "special" they are. They are special to us, but not to the rest of the world. Please avoid promoting rabid "hyper competition." Please encourage their focus on developing their personal best, promoting cooperation and respecting themselves and others, in the process. Learning how to maintain relationships while working through competition or conflict is a pivotal skill set to master. This mastery will continue to contribute heavily to their future success, long after "the game" is done. 

This is a photo of one particle of dust from Jupiter, thanks to an amazing new telescope. It may or may not be relevant, but I think it is beautiful... and, thus... special to me...

Lessons from Mrs. Puchini: Walk the Line

From time to time, I will be writing stories about some of my teachers. They thought they were patients or clients, but I'm not sure who was more helpful to whom! In all of my stories, I am changing some of the following: their names, genders, ages, references to time period when we hung out together, and any potentially identifying information... just so you know...

Mrs. Puchini was a tiny elderly woman who always wore a housedress with a tiny white fringe of petticoat showing above her stick figure legs (Think flamingoes!) She loved to get up on a very tall ladder which was constructed during the year of her birth. As I approached her tiny little house, I walked along her side yard fence. Of course, since she and her family were small statured, so was the fence... 

Imagine my first sighting of Mrs. Puchini... Amid a little orchard of giant prune trees stood a lone rickety ladder, leaning up against one of the trees.  On the ladder's tallest step perched two little pink house shoes (slippers), with tiny white socks up to the ankles of these skinny little legs, topped off with a wisp of petticoat and a partial view of a pink housedress. Visually, 75% of her human form was apparently up in the middle of the prune tree, which was heavy with fruit. After I had rang her doorbell and knocked on the door for awhile, calling her name, the front door opened and Mrs. Puchini peered out with a big smile. She invited me inside. 

During our 30 minute visit, we eventually got to the discussion about her safety in her home, particularly dealing with her stove, her throw rugs (AKA flying carpets) and the importance of staying off stools and ladders (smooth segue!) Her big blue eyes grew wide and never flickered as she told me that she NEVER got on stools or ladders. She went so far as to put her hand on her tiny chest and assured me that she never would, now that I had asked her not to... Note the clinical and ethical dilemmas... 

For quite a number of years, Mrs. Puchini and I repeated this same conversation, every week or two. I never "confronted her"... I just helped take care of her, where she was, as she was... and tried not to let her know that I knew. That would have hurt her feelings. That would also have prevented me from being able to do the rest of my job. Every visit, she would hug me goodbye and wave from her doorway. Mrs. Puchini taught me a lot about respect, creativity, patience, compassion and a few tips on the strategy about how to walk that fine line between being a "healer" and being a guest. I continue to practice walking that fine line, every day. 

Years later, I heard that Mrs. Puchini had recently died peacefully in her sleep, in her own tiny little house. No ladders or stools were implicated.

My Work Space: The Intersection of Nursing, Law and Family Therapy

Welcome to my new blog. I intend to gather some useful sites and publications for you to use, conduct a few web-based research projects and generally create a tiny conversational bubble at the intersection of several different "planets." (Poor Pluto) My metaphorical "planets" are nursing, law and family therapy. I have to spend a little time on the background of how these places came together to create my work space. The story spans 32 years in 2 paragraphs. Feel free to skip it, too...

Starting out as a nursing student at UT Austin (Go, HORNS!), I became interested in the differences I started to see between who got better and who became a "frequent flyer" in the medical system, whether it be in the ICU or the psychiatric ward. Even in the ICU, I spent more time interacting with patients' families and helping sort out some of their tangles, often, as I tried to provide some continuity of care for our patients. 

Eventually, I went off into the community sector (wings!) and learned how scary it can be out there. If I was nervous about being outside the hospital setting, I can only imagine how frightening it must have felt for most of these vulnerable folks! Since most of my patients/clients were elderly, there were multiples of family dynamics (think giant kitty hairball!) to learn about and negotiate, every day. These patients and their family members were anxious to tell me their stories. I soon discovered that if I wanted them to let me in their home, check their incision, their blood pressure, their IV, their bandages, their lungs... I needed to listen, listen and listen...