Parental Alienation (Canada)

Parental Alienation (Canada): Judge in Parental Alienation Case: 'Hate doesn't grow in children normally. It is usually taught to them'

Well... There is a powerful quote made by Judge Gomery, in the recent appellate case of Ermel v Ermel. There are a number of others contained in the appellate opinion and quotes of the judges statements to the mother of the children, who had been unable to follow the Court Orders and the case had crawled on for years and years...

Food for thought...

Keep Your Sense of Humor at ALL Times!

Well, sometimes the best way to talk about the most serious of topics is with the lightest of voices, the kindest of tones... Pair these with gentle and invited touch... Enclose your heart and the message is very likely to be heard...

Family "orogamies" are tricky and elusive. Over these last years, I have enjoyed getting the "knits" out... and these are some of the most courageous and wonderful of people (particularly the parents) of any that I have known... It is a bold step to put yourselves out there, acknowledge you're out of your depth, you have got yourselves all tangled up... and you love your spouse, your children, your family... enough to get your tootsies out there... Now, THAT takes GUTS!  These families are amazing... and a lot of fun to work with... because they are sufficiently miserable... and that is a great motivator to "think different."

NPR's Audio Program on Child Custody Evaluators

NPR's Program on Child Custody Evaluators is very well done.

SCRIBD Is Where My Documents Are Stored-Ask Me for the Link!

 
This is Where I Store My Documents... This is from Scribed.

Sibling Rivalry Is Not Just for Kids!

Now, some people think that sibling rivalry is just for little children... We are supposed to grow out of it, say some others. But, if the rivalry is not managed properly, it will grow and worsen over time. Please don't believe the myths that "Kids will be kids," "That's normal," or "Just stay out of it and let them work it out." While these general comments may be correct... the parents must assess the situation carefully and know when and how to intervene... Ever read the Old Testament? Lot's of unresolved sibling rivalry, there! I guess it's been around before we had mental health "experts," huh....

Prevent Elder Abuse... Please Do Not Try This At Home!

This little video clip serves as a friendly reminder that every "old dog" gets his or her day... and how important it is to show respect and kindness to our older folks... or your karma might just catch up with you!!

Well.... He LOOKS Friendly... Kinda...

You know the feeling... when you see someone or meet someone and you think to yourself that something feels a bit "off base?" Some people listen to that "little voice" as it is called by some... Gavin DeBecker ("Gift of Fear" and "Protecting the Gift...") 

Usually, that little whisper of "uh-oh" is correct... Please listen and behave accordingly...

Just a Parody About Mood Alteration Media (click me!)

"FDA Release:  New Medication for the Annoyingly Cheerful!"So, why does this remind me of the tale of "The Three Bears?" One mood is "too low" and the next mood is "too high"... and we just need to make ourselves feel "juuuuusssstt right!" If this weren't such a serious topic (psychopharmacology) it might be funny. I just reviewed the literature last month and came across a troubling statistic: Of the studies about the efficacy of antidepressants, there was a discrepancy (over a number of years) resulting in the following:

1. If the study's result was positive, it was published 94% of the time. 2. If the results were negative, it was published 14% of the time. This is scary to me... Not that I am against the judicious and prudent use of medication as a potential adjunct ... I just think that we need to inform the consumer public with a balanced approach and review of the literature...

Eco-Friendly Families

So, the best way of formulating an "Eco-Family," is to conduct ourselves in a particular manner.

Initial Premise: It is not always about the individual's pursuit of happiness... it is about the satisfaction of pride in not throwing our families away... 

Follow these guidelines:

1. Avoid "trash talking" other family members.

2. Refuse to "throw away" other family members, whether via divorce and/or alienation.

3. Conduct your family relationships as if you were a cell, with a semi-permeable membrane: ie "Everyone can come in and no one can leave." (There are two exceptions)

4. Learn effective conflict resolution skills and practice them often.

5. Avoid disposal of "family parts."

Where Is My KNIGHT!!!

I have a knight in my office. He is 7 feet tall and quite  imposing. People ask me various questions about him: "Why is he there?" "Is that new?" "What does that mean?" "Is he real?"...

He is a  (Jungian) archtype... of our fantasies and fears, our need for heroes and magical wonders, our search for the mythical mate and the glorious warrior... In any case, he is a marvelous mirror upon which we can project any and all of the above... 

Safety for Our Daughters/Our Sons and Ourselves

How can we name these dangers for our girls? How shall we convey a spirit of optimism while we teach our children the skill set with which they can ascertain dangers? Some of the best resources yet discovered are Gavin DeBecker's site and book, "Protecting the Gift: How to Keep Children and Teens Safe and Parents Sane."

Mr. DeBecker narrates the second book, himself, so if you can find it on CD, it is definitely the way to go. His voice is dispassionate, but his tone is quite serious while he makes the point that if we are afraid all of the time, we become less safe. He focuses on the strengths of the "wild brain," and says that we are too overly compliant with strangers' requests. That avoidance of being reluctant to not "give someone the benefit of the doubt" can be very dangerous. This is mandatory reading/listening for parents around here...

Conflict Avoidance, Conflict Education, Conflict Resolution

Yeah, I know... "Do we HAVE to talk about it?!" "I hate conflict." "It's really okay; I'm over it!" So, here is the deal: Americans avoid conflict... and then, there is hockey... go figure...

In any case, what we often fail to acknowledge is that conflict is inherent in all relationships. It's part of the package. We are often so busy avoiding it that we never learn the "skill set" we need in order to negotiate conflict effectively, authentically and without damaging the relationship. Yes, I said "without damaging the relationship." Actually, these skills are not difficult, while coping with our own anxieties can be daunting. The alternative, however, is quite discouraging. Relationships are dynamic, always in flux, like the cells under a microscope. Once the dynamics slow or stop to vibrate, the relationship sustains damage and begins to fail, just like those organisms. If we hold our feelings and needs back, we drain the relationship of its energy; its zest! 

However, the  result/side effect is that we toss our anger, hurts, frustrations and fears into the proverbial "emotional hall closet," analogous to that place where we throw the old tennis racquets and gift boxes. 

Eventually, it requires an increasing amount of energy to hold that door shut! Over time, that door begins to bulge and toxic waste begins to leak out from underneath. Given the proper amount of pressure, that door blows off, causing us to "lose it" or "blow up." In turn, that force results in blasting the door, shattering our relationship(s) and reinforcing our falsely held belief that all conflict is dangerous. However, as we learned in Statistics, "correlation is not causation." Next post, we'll discuss how to proceed... AKA "Conflict Education." Deep breath... inhale (smell the cookies) and exhale (blow out the cookies)... Take another...

What If My Teenager Asks Me If They Should Have Sex?

Well... Fewer issues bring greater panic into a parent's eyes than that of their child's (gulp) budding sexuality- and their developing relationships, which might include a sexual aspect... "He's IM'ing with 2 college girls and he is only in 11th grade!!!" I sometimes will ask  parents (in families where there is an oldest child entering 6th grade) "So, how much have you all discussed about sex with your children?" This usually elicits a litany of descriptions (largely pejorative) about what they were told by their own parents... "Don't... wait until you're married... I'll get my shotgun...," et cetera.) Needless to say, this is a daunting task.

Here are a few of my little suggestions:

1. Start young, short time periods and use analogies and metaphors: "Yes, look at those cute baby monkeys... I'll bet their parents got married and decided to have them in that very tree!"

2. Talk in the car (AKA "A Captive Audience is the Best Audience") starting out with something like this: "Hey, have you guys ever heard of....?" "Have any of your friends started talking about dating/ girlfriends/ boyfriends/ kissing/ making out/ hooking up?" "What do they say?" "What do you think about that?" Try to keep your tone light and fluffy and casual, as if you were the weather person on the news... eternally light and breeeeezzyyyy.... fake it..... Yes, you can!

3. Repeat #1 and #2 frequently.... make yourself almost background noise.. cheery and casual.

4. Mention "I have heard that some of the people your age are thinking about ___. Have you heard anything like this from your classmates? ... Friends?... Sometime along, you will hear about some of these things and I don't want you to worry about talking with us about it- no names required- we  are only interested in keeping all of you all safe and well informed."

5. "Can we talk about safe sex? Have you heard anyone ever talk about safe sex? How about oral sex? Some people your age think that you cannot endanger your health if they engage in oral sex... What is your opinion? Can you help me to understand how people your age describe this?/understand this? If you were giving advice to (choose a beloved younger child) what would you suggest to them? How should we explain these things to them?

Get the picture? 

If you have fainted or had a seizure, please seek immediate medical assessment... At the same time, when you return, please reread, take a deep breath, look for your opportunity and SEIZE THAT MOMENT!

Good luck! Please remember that you are doing an amazing job, 'way outside your comfort zone. Remember the goal: no dead children. We are all in this, together.

Helping Ourselves Let Go a Little at a Time

It used to be so easy to parent children... Ha! I am not serious...

The parents in the 50's relied on Dr. Spock and things were pretty simple, after that... Now, I see so many different parenting ideas out there, it confuses me!

Lately, quite a few parents have asked me about "letting go" of their child. I am not sure what they mean. I happen to think that this happens in stages, all along the trail, whether we recognize all of the tiny "letting go" changes we make, along the way. Our children  are changing and so are we... Think back: how to hold them up next to that coffee table, when to let them crawl around that corner... and when they come back to peek at us, they are so delighted... and so are we... 

That's just the start of it... they get busier, we get more tired.. They are so cute when they sleep!

I often recommend a wonderful book by Gavin deBecker, named "Protecting the Gift: How to Keep Children and Teens Safe and Parents Sane." It is an amazing parent-empowering book. Mr. deBecker speaks from authority and years of experience and presents very simple, practical tools which we can use and teach our children to use, as well. After that, Alfred Adler is the "father of child development," so other authors I recommend include Ginott, Faber and Mazlish, Dinkmeyer and McKay, Leach, and Erma Bombeck. Some ask me why I recommend Erma and I tell them that she had a lot of wise and funny things to say... and we need to keep our sense of humor, be gentle with ourselves and encourage one another all along the way...

Help Your Teen Let Go of Their Entitlement

Have you ever tried to challenge a teenager's burgeoning sense of entitlement? Or that same sense of entitlement in a toddler, for that matter? In either case, it is a daunting proposition...

It is developmentally appropriate for toddlers to have a sense of omnipotence, as they begin their mini march towards individuation. While teens are engaged in the "second round" of individuation, it is not inevitable that they will embrace that entitled experience.

Just a few suggestions: Please refrain from telling children how "special" they are. They are special to us, but not to the rest of the world. Please avoid promoting rabid "hyper competition." Please encourage their focus on developing their personal best, promoting cooperation and respecting themselves and others, in the process. Learning how to maintain relationships while working through competition or conflict is a pivotal skill set to master. This mastery will continue to contribute heavily to their future success, long after "the game" is done. 

This is a photo of one particle of dust from Jupiter, thanks to an amazing new telescope. It may or may not be relevant, but I think it is beautiful... and, thus... special to me...